Attached to someone through harm and relief
A trauma bond feels like the most intense love you’ve ever felt. Most people have heard the term. Few believe it applies to them.
If you’re in a relationship that’s constantly up and down, where the downs last longer than the ups but the cycle never stops, and you find you can’t leave, there’s a good chance this is what you’re in. And every time that version comes back, you think, “there they are, that’s the person I fell in love with.” So you stay for another round.
That’s intermittent reinforcement, and it’s one of the hardest things for people to actually understand about themselves. Your brain has convinced you that the only person who can make you feel good is the person who makes you feel bad.
That’s why leaving can feel like withdrawal. When they hurt you, your brain floods with stress chemicals. When they come back with kindness, it floods you with relief chemicals instead, the same kind involved in heroin addiction. That’s not a metaphor. That’s your actual brain chemistry, which is why being without them can feel physically unbearable.
If a drug addict got clean, everyone would applaud them. Nobody applauds you for getting away from this.
Could what you’re calling love actually be the relief you feel when the person hurting you finally makes the hurting stop?
Curious whether this is happening in your relationship?
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